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The Adrenaline Runs Quick When The Queen Enters

Barricaded by blood...

Barricaded by blood...

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my girl
My old journal gave up lots of little pleasures. Some of my very favourites were moments with Chloe. Most of my moments since then have found their way onto flickr or paper diaries, do you think LJ will always be here? Should I be duplicating things of importance? Do you?

Though the girls near seven years apart, they are similar. Often Olivia will perform some individual feat previously accomplished by Chloe, something thought to be unique, not merely a stage of development, leading me to point out how much alike they are, feeling the need to tie them to eachother.

Their differences are apparent. Both thoughtful, tender, spirited and fun, one is a soap bubble, no a series of bubbles set free on a puff of air, rising and popping, iridescent in sunshine, merry laughing, wide-eyed. The other indulgent, languid, day-dreamy and sardonic, a summer stream, luxurious, silver movement and cats.

Olivia does not like baths. To be specific, she doesn't like the idea of getting into a bath. Once settled into the frothy heat (jacuzzi jets on, please mom) she'll happily transform into a mermaid and spend 40 min frolicking, dipping, diving, floating in the tub.

Last night, she did not want. What she did want is for me to spend money on webkinz pixels, "It's just ten dollars!" pouting, spoiled princess. To be told no is often too blunt for her. She prefers for me to say I know you want, I would want too. It's hard not to be presented with your every whim and wish, I understand, I do. Sometimes we have to wait for things. Sometimes wishes don't come true and it's very very sad and hard. Then we hug and comfort. But I was too busy. I was too busy shopping for exactly what I wanted an iphone 4 with otterbox case.

Well. I would pay for my error in judgment. I was to be bricked up in my space. Left to wither and die, a punishment be-fitting Parisan royality, my catacomb the kitchen. Olivia shut the french door between the kitchen and living room. She didnt slam it, she has been warned but it shut smart. I didnt pay attention. I was designing my contract with Telus Mobility. When I finally ~finally~ decided on everything, leaving the page up but not hitting send. I strolled across the kitchen. Startled surprise, a scream. OH MY GOD.

Olivia had dragged her toybox to the door, a french door, I could see through to the other side. She had piled pillows, blankets and stuffed animals on top. I was shut in (shut up?). She was ecstatic. Glee and mirth and delight, she had asserted herself and won. The Queen is dead or will be soon. Hahahahahaha. Unfortunately, the door opens in so :(

Obviously, I couldnt ruin her fun. I asked, pleaded, begged, "Will you let me out?"

"NO!"

awwwwwwwww. Though Chloe spent many a time writing me angry messages about my treatment of her and posting them on her door, announcement, a proclamation detailing my faults, she never imprisoned me.

I let Olivia wallow in victory until she missed her mommy. She avoided bath-time, success! She still doesnt know about the door. All she knows is she didnt have to have a bath. It was too late. Instead we played Guess Who, I Spy and cuddled in her bed.

However, today she will get clean. It's Palm Sunday. I rose from the dead a week before Jesus kiss,


XX
  • Words cannot express how much I loved this post and the people in it.

  • I love you. The perfect mom juuust like me. And my own departed mom.

    Did I tell you that my one and only child hates me and hasn't talked to me since October 3 2009? Yes. Yes I have.

    Butterfly kisses to you.
    • OMG ggl I remember stories about your mom. WE ARE NOT LIKE HER OMG SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUTUP.

      Well, that's the thing with intimate loves (you were entwined, had eachother, two peas) and intense passionate people. I know there's an ache and a deep enduring, hate is love, better she hate than not care at all, do you think? I don't know, what the hell does she want you to do? She's sulking. God. Horrid are the ways of the betrayed heart, that's how it is, something unforgiveable, she wasnt the one and only. well, it's chilling. She's taking you for granted, certain you'll always be there, nurturing you in her way.

      The memory I have of you two is that sleepover spread you made for one of her birthdays, every food imaginable, all lovingly prepared by you for her, and her gifts, when she took all her presents away.

      It's too bad you can't shake her until her brain rattles and she sees reason. That would be my impulse. "It's going to be all over one day. Stop wasting time. we love eachother. Come to mommy. I miss you."
      • And the thing is that my man keeps saying that I have to deal woth it instead of just letting it eat me away and I tell him that no I don't have to deal with it at all. It bugs the crap iup of him. I intend to die and then she will get it. Just like me and my mother. And then she will have her own regrets as I do.
        • I can't help but think you'll be more at ease if you open yourself to the possibility of a reunion, you don't have to do much at first, just open, there is so much love between you both. It is scary. Daughters are annoying. The possibility of hurt is enormous. But you are hurting anyway. And because I am morbid, I mean, I can't even type the hideous fear, you know, the big fear of all parents, what if, just what if.

          I don't want to push or be preachy, You're doing the best you can, she is doing the best she can. Life is hard.

          lovelove love to you.
          • I've emailed her a time or two since she left, she didn't reply. I told her that I would go to counseling with her and she turned me down. Now that dreaded day is coming up. Mother's Day, wherein I miss my mother AND my daughter. This will be the third mother's day that she has not achnowledged me. Or at least I am pretty sure that she will not once again. She's 20 years old, all grown up and makes her own way through life. And as much as I love someone, I will not, like a pauper, beg for someone to love me back.

            XO
  • thank you thank you thank you

    this was such a beautiful post.

    LJ's recent travails struck a mortal chord for me and i appreciate your rhetorical questions. i appreciated this post even more in the light of the fragility of things and their preciousness.

    thank you for this oh so good beginning to my day.
    • Re: thank you thank you thank you

      thank you so much for noticing the details and being so charming
  • This was absolutely wonderful. I'm still grinning from reading it.
    • --smiles back-- the ages when fantasy and reality mingle are such a delight (except when theyre not haha
  • Yaaaay! Dans La Reine posts!!! I can't wait to arrive home and spend some more time on these. :)
  • <3 Last we talked Chloe was just a little babe!

    What a charmer. You are a fabulous Mom, with fabulous princess girls. Oh, I do hope I have a girl as well. A little princess-face. <3

    xo
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