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The Adrenaline Runs Quick When The Queen Enters

The queen of intuition holds court...


my girl



Skipped Back 50

December 5th, 2007

Maybe you would like to know that I put a snack pack of popcorn in the microwave and hit the regular popcorn time while thinking to myself, You just have to stay on top of it. As soon as the popping slows, hit stop and voila! Immediately,I walked away and became absorbed in reading over my written piece for the photography book project I am involved with. Yep. Didn't think of it again until the house was full of smoke. After opening windows,I poked at the bag. The popcorn had been cremated to charcoal. When I dropped olivia off to preschool, I explained what happened to the teachers and blamed chloe! I didn't mean to :( it just came out of my mouth. I didn't know I could lie like that! OH! told another one! lol

My whole house, my hair, my clothes and my babies stink like campfire kiss,


PS< I am going to a work Christmas Party! Whoohoo! I am that loser employee who loves her job and makes everyone else puke. Yay me!

November 15th, 2007

I know you read me, bb...

my girl
!!! I got my weekly street interview gig! yayay

This morning, I covered a "coffee time" meeting. It was nice: entertainment, speakers, creative showcase. After getting my pix (as they say in the paper biz ;) and stories I scanned the group for candidates for next week's question. A lady smiled at me and I introduced myself, explained what I was doing and she cut me off excited-

"My husband told me all about it. you asked him on tuesday. I said to him, Why wouldn't you do it for that nice girl?"

!!! AH! small towns -kill- me.

I laughed through my startled feeling (lol) and asked her if she'd participate. She beamed and said, "Yes, but don't make me fat." I assured her she'd look gorgeous. She loved her picture. she laughed and said "I should get you to do all my photos!" then she called over her friend. I got her friend too. then she called over to her friend "I'm going to be in the paper!" so I got her friend and her baby, too. another couple happened by I got them.

fabulous am.

and now I am off to my hair appointment -with- olivia. It was their suggestion as they know olivia to be a good girl (a-hahahaha j/k) and I'm armed with snacks, dvd player and My Little Ponies.

let me tell YOU, internet kiss,


November 14th, 2007

After giving me a great mini-story, he braced himself for the head and shoulders shot. "You look handsome." I said with a warm tone in my voice, a bright smile on my face, purposefully using words and face to encourage him to comply. The first couple had declined, this gentleman had already given me quote, a head-shot would close my first deal. "You should have seen me in my navel uniform 61 years ago." he said. " I was--" he nodded "something then. You would have liked..." as if realising what he was about to say he tapered off with a mumble and shy look. awww! for some reason (dare I say old man attraction! I felt something, there was a flash of chemistry as I remembered he likely felt way younger than he looked) my impulse was to prove him a romantic-interest sort-of man. I flashed him eyes in the seconds of recovery after his almost admission, then we smiled as I said, "Oh who didn't look better before? you should have seen me ten years ago." haha then we parted ways fast lol.

And to all the pretty women who talked to me and were photographed and chatted me off, later, when I was done, and to the cute worker guys who kept happening across me (downtown is sooo small) and flirted with goofy-happy-nice-day-fun, thank you so much, I had a wonderful morning.

Today, almost all the men enjoyed talking with me, not many would consent to be photographed. Vital, sexual beings eager to talk with me but wanting to look better (it was like 930am on downtown streets old retired men, moms with toddlers,and workers are all that's about. hah another observation). The women were easier to convince. I told them they were all beautiful, I promised to take a good photo and show them.

people either inwardly roll their eyes at your cheer (I could sense it! lol and on other mornings have sent it off) or they smile back kiss,


November 12th, 2007

My work is part-time, I wanted a niche. I needed it to be small, regular and different enough to be bought. I was reminded of weekly street interview piece my old home-town paper had- it's fun, fabulous, easy, interesting and possible, a perfect little base. I proposed and waited and waited, did my little jobs and guess what? Tomorrow I try out my idea and if it works out it could evolve into, as my editor put it, "just what you asked for".

remember that, Miss Lori, next time you feel uneasy about taking them kiss,


PS< lol I changed my home-page layout. I'm totally inept which leaves me helpless and dependent (mmmmrrr). For one thing I wouldn't have a waste-paper graphic... feel free to imagine it out. hehe jesus.

November 8th, 2007

I still love things that sparkle. Out at shops the other day I saw these capri length footless tights: black base with silver stars and brown base with bronze hearts. I wanted both! I said to myself "Lori!!! Even though you've come to treasure tights under skirts, these fun, darling prints are not for you! You KNOW that is too short. you will be cold. The length is unflattering. Even -if- you manage to find something in the same tone it will -still- break up the legline and look awful. You might manage to wear them in the odd pair of boots... and you don't own those boots. STOP. STOP. Yes, you could wear them as pajamas but why? you have great night stuff, everything from flannel to vintage glam to southern belle on a hot steamy night- you don't need these!!!!" and somehow I own them.

Guess what? I'm a part-time event photographer/reporter for the community paper a couple of towns over. I love my job. I love being paid to take pictures and write.

here is me working.
at work
I think the green cast shows off my hot. hehe

I'd better dust off the display case kiss,


PS< I really need to choose another background and stuff.
PPS< all you other flist post slackers: Now is the time to post entries! VIVA teh PRODIGAL.
PPPS< OK. Yes, I have had the job since late august and am only getting around to telling you now. Don't be angry. I know we've been off and on for ages, I am Returning to You. Rejoice.

September 14th, 2007

Okay, I admit it...

my girl
I just read and post all over your journals

and never write a damn entry of my own kiss,


August 1st, 2007


my girl
sun ripened

It was the second, or maybe the third early morning of the late June day. The first was for commuters to Toronto, some of them left by 5am which was the time for Chloe's first feeding. The second early morning was after she'd fall back asleep, I'd pick up a book and read. The third was after nine, the time when local workers had to be at their jobs. In the quiet moments between lifestyles I'd set my pretty pretty baby into her stroller and walk deserted streets.

I always chose Central Park Blvd because there were bends in the road (for interest) and lots of trees. I laugh at how I thought of the trees, city-girl desperate for forest, how sparse they were, how much distance between each thin trunk.

The tomato garden caught my imagination. It took up the entire yard. It was like the gardens downtown, those small wartime plots on Dovercourt, each front yard a kitchen garden. But we weren't in Toronto, so here among the manicured grasses was a piece of other, I was enchanted.

I had seen the old couple out there puttering, third early morning wasn't the only time of day I walked the streets. I was walking because my body made me unhappy. I like my bones coated with curves but I like them firm, strong with underlying muscle. Having had a May baby all my flesh was loose, sagging, foreign on my body, something to be gathered up and cut off. But, I promised not to be morbid. and so I walked. and as walking is it was very nice.

One walk you appeared, a welcome sight with tanned skin and lean muscles, your dark curling hair, the sidelook, the smile, my god, Italy, Portugal, Greece... within days we were exchanging words. I still remember the first ones "Out taking your baby for your daily walk?" I remember the way you looked at me, as if I was most beautiful. One day I stopped and we talked. One day you walked with me. One of our last days we sat in the park.

There was nothing untoward, unless you count our skin humming in anticipation of contact, or our smiles, or our eyes. Unless you count what didn't happen.

today's colours brought you to mind kiss,


July 27th, 2007

fucked girl...

my girl
fucked girl

Since my 17th birthday I have been regularly fucked. I just turned 37 so that makes 20 years of continual penetration into my body. I have had my throat, vagina, and ass fucked. My breasts, face and clit have been comed on. I have been fucked against walls, on stairs, in bathrooms, in public, outside, in water, on the back-seat of cars. Each and every time i have been fucked , it is me who has been fucked, I am the one pounded open. Even dominant, even thrusting my hips, even on top, I am the one. I have fucked you to the ground, I have owned you so I understand possessive terms, I understand when you cry out, "You are MINE."

I have had very few instances of bad sex.

(although, that last time with you, that time when I refused to imagine the blanks of our relationship, when I didn't pick up your emotional slack the fucking sucked.)

I know I am submitting when I am being fucked, I feel it inside of me, but I haven't yet, fully considered what the constant action of giving up my body, allowing it to be possessed and pounded has done to me.

I love the pleasure of sex, I have thoroughly investigated the pleasure of sex. why have I been so reluctant to examine the impact, the consequences of being violated (even the word makes me moan).

By violate, I don't mean I didn't give consent. Through my life I have been very much in power when deciding who I will fuck, and thus have had very few partners. I mean violation in the physical sense, in having been opened,

my body opened for use kiss,


April 26th, 2007

Oh no she didn't...

my girl
What half-dressed, smut-peddler wasn't satisfied keeping her semi-naked self limited to the internetz? That's right, one of the flickr babes has allowed her image to be printed on paper and hung up all over town. Click the link to see which brazen trollop it is


pinned up in portugal kiss,


April 20th, 2007

Cripes. I have SO many things to say. I think I have them all stuck in my throat because it has been so long since I wrote. TOP OF THE LIST, after this, is a gossip entry for my pandaboy because he is <3

Anyway, I just have to get this off my chest (off where? oh-hoho). I am working hard on my wee story, it is a formal format instead of strung together images and words so


yeah, like structure and grammar and formality


are my strong points


so I decide to re-read one the crap stories they publish, and huff, splutter, gag GAWD. It is very poorly done. The first SIX para are narration, the piece has a rather bad case of adverbitis, eyes glow, characters shoot looks, characters "replied", "protested", "suddenly" do things etc etc

Oh those those bitches better publish my romance.

"What?" I asked warily kiss,


March 9th, 2007

refusing quiet dignity...

my girl
refusing quiet dignity

you knew it was coming, you were warned, it has been explained to you that I am aware of your innocence.
and yet

I remember New Year's Eve, a real estate party and a lover of three years. I was ironing a skirt to wear, sexy little stockings, he came up behind me and tugged my panties, pretty black satin cast aside for warm dampening pink. Mmm, yes, a deep hard fucking. Me, spread and bent, a sort of erotic endurance, my body liked it, my brain was giving over, my heart didn't budge. So, yeah, it didn't really hurt so much when he played out the rest of the evening. and yet...

"Is that what you're wearing?"
"Yeah, why, a black skirt, a black top, what's wrong with black, lots of women will be dressed like this."
static blah blah filler until the moment
"Nice girls would have a proper dress."

So yeah, I took that gut punch, I took it, I took it and remained quiet with dignity, stunned with dignity, hurt with dignity.

I should have kicked him in the fucking face.

so... there it is. I feel pinpricks of rage at your admiration of "quiet dignity" because I want to scream and shout and rub skin against cement.

I understand quiet dignity isn't all you admire. the two love women in your life are very strong. You also admire Julianne moore's character screaming at the drug store clerk

I know

just saying.

These strange things happen all the time kiss,


February 14th, 2007

Be my Valentine

my girl
be my valentine

or I will peck out your eyes kiss,


February 13th, 2007

oh, look, two in one day...

my girl
I've been invited to contribute a photograph of my town toward an exhibit in Eutin, Germany celebrating 750 years of Eutin.

I know some people have issues giving away art for free, but hells, I am freaking thrilled to be asked to participate. Plus i am down with the concept of street art so yeah... anyway I am not a professional, have I said I am excited?

Oh yeah, uh-huh, who's your mommy kiss,


she said, hey babe...

my girl
Oh, yay for new friends, and old friends coming around, and friends in new skins. I adore you guys, i really do. I've been with most of you for quite a few years, you guys are my peeps lol.


hello you

My family (me included) have been sick for aaaages. this past week being rather deathly with virus and I got lax with flickr posting (photo a day diary thing) I took photos but OMG they suck. lol. This past week excempted, the photo thing has improved me. Not so much in technical ways as I haven't had much time but in some way... A-hem in a very special undefined improvement sort of way.

OMG so remember a couple of years ago when I decided to skip working and write instead? Remember how I started winning and placing and receiving honourable mentions for pretty much everything I submitted? Remember how I got pregnant with olivia and sick and tired and I took time off from writing which lasted pretty much until this past october (exempting an interview piece I did with Katie West. which, I think it is interesting to note, I will resubmit the interview when I have never resubmitted anything I have done- ever. but there it is she rocks and I suck at promotion. I also suck at fundraising, by the way, I just don't like asking people for stuff.)? Remember how I decided there was room in the lucrative romance writing market (newly expanded at harlequin to include more literary works)? Well, I have been working on stuff. I have one piece almost ready to submit. I get anxious about it, but I vow to send it off by feb's end. I have a second piece, a longer short story that needs a bit of work and is currently shelved to ripen.

Oh god, I shamble on and on but what I am announcing is this: In march I start writing my first novel. I am doing it in similar format as the november write a novel in a month, but a bit less stress, a bit longer time-frame. This isn't something I want to do occasionally; therefore, I need to find a way to make it work for me and my family continuously, not just one month of hell for everyone then back to normal.

I know how I will be working web presence for my novel, and I will be super freaking cool. I will need a web designer but I am getting ahead of myself. still, I think harlequin people will be impressed with my ideas.

Speaking of ideas I have the best freaking idea for a photo-book ever. Unfortunately I don't have the skill to pull it off. But, I will, so I am keeping mum on it for now hehe if it all comes together I will be made rich from japanese businessmen. a-hem. it ain't just erotica, baby, it is erotica with a brilliant twist.

There's me, pretty much caught up and I haven't mentioned the children. They are darling, angels with the sweetest hearts, they are full of love. When they are sick they are bitchy just like their parents :)

come sit with me awhile kiss,


January 9th, 2007

night light

I love the dark stained wood of the dresser in the back-ground. My grandpa, and great uncle and great grand-dads built most of their furniture for lots of years. I have three pieces. One was given to me, about 15 years ago I gave my brother $60 and a replacement piece, and I took my dad's when I moved out. total score.

Chloe was given a little beech rocking chair. My great uncle cut down the wood from a tree planted on one of the farms by his dad and made my baby a rocker.

I love old things, people I've known a long time... and you kiss,


PS< Catharine Mackinnon makes me smile, "I think it’s hard for some people—especially people with power—to think more than one thought at a time."

January 4th, 2007

Oh, oh, oh...

my girl
what are these???

ballet on the grave

that's right covet all you want kiss,


PS< Okay I will elaborate: they are the cutest, most form-fitting sneaker ever, they have little flower cut-outs, you can wear them with jeans or casual skirts, even some dresses. They are comfortable and you can kick a soccer ball with them (all important to us moms... it isn't just a rumour).

January 3rd, 2007

Serving it...

my girl
serving it

Last year, I predicted I would be published. Not on the strength of my own writing (though I am grooving it, baby) but on the charm of an interview Katie West gave me. Gawd, a mag lingered over it for ages, then asked for more material and a resend, held onto the material for five months! Then didn't bother to answer my query as to status. LOL fuckers. However, I believe in Katie (diosa_en_disfra on LJ) and her work and I have a brand new concept, proposal, and a lucky lucky magazine that will receive the submission. yay!
I had meant for the photo to show more of her work, but I only got three hours sleep last night and it looks like I will be short again tonight so the session had to end.

This year I am going to be published, and next year I am going to receive a contract, the year after I will be mobbed on my signing tour, the year after I will be Queen of the World kiss,


PS< Yeah, I'm a dork. ggl gawd.

January 2nd, 2007

Is there life on stars...

my girl
Yes, yes, I know I am terrible at keeping in touch. It's that cycle thing, introvert to hermit, I've gone on and on and on about *LOL* Interesting to me is that I am quite the social darling. Anyway, as I have exercises I do for writing and acting, I decided to add a push toward my photoging. How does this effect you? Well, I have agreed to create a 365 photo diary on flickr and I am going to be posting some of the pics (or maybe all... I am winging it LOL) here! possibly with eXtra commentary. I know, I know, it is just I am the kind of girl to grant wishes and y'all wished for more of me I JUST KNOW IT!

by candle-light

There are many nights I prowl the house eager to be alone and creating something... anything.

He's in the best selling show kiss,


PS> HADDAYR I couldn't find a pic of my mary-jane sneakers online (and I bloody well looked) so I'll just have to take a snapshot so you don't go around telling people I tell lies to one-up on the internets. gglggl

November 14th, 2006

just scattered moments...

my girl
Last week was one of those just-barely-enough-money weeks, one of eggs and pumpkin muffins made from scratch. I re-learned what it is like to be saving 2 hard boiled eggs as a treat for your children. I learned of the fear of not being able to send your child to school because there isn't enough food to make a lunch with (didn't actually happen but I know the fear). It wasn't hard for me to imagine the fear of not having the paycheck waiting mere days away.

On Friday, payday, I decided to pick Chloe up from school for a lunch treat. They diner had pizza slices ready so we grabbed one to share between the three of us while our order was being made. Olivia ate her share in sections, first the pepperoni, then the cheese... This young man I kinda know walks in. He kinda creeps me out. I used to work for his mother at the worst job I ever had, the kind of job you come home and cry. Filthy, skimpy, bad run daycare (she promised me it would change "I've so many plans, lori, don't leave..." then when i found out it was lies, I needed the money). He had rooms in the basement so he could be around his mom, he has a slight mental disability. I saw his rooms, they were filthy, even more disgusting that the rotten ick of the upstairs. just fucking foul. yeah, so back to the diner, I was with my beautiful girls, and of course he knew me... it's been 5 years since I worked those horrible months and ... ech. I remind myself to be compassionate as I am bracing myself for his approach. You know. fuck. But, he icks me badly ... he would do things like hold children a bit too long when they wanted to get away from his hugs, and I would complain and his mother would keep him away for awhile. There was so much to complain about at that place- the heating bills that first winter were fierce I had to stay until May.

Okay. so yeah he comes in and says hello... etc I yeah yeah and look away as much as possible without being a total snotbag. Of course he knows everybody, he's too old for school, he wanders town.. eats cheese sandwiches in this diner couple times a week I imagine, so he talks to other people.

Then this boy in chloe's class comes in, he has it rough. labeled a bad kid, foster care, sibling risk history... he asks chloe if she got picked up for lunch or if she was suspended... he's a cute, bright, wants to please kid... it's real sad.


So young man says to kid (who is suspended from school) "You're a bad kid." and kid agrees. There's not a lot you can do in these situations, I just speak up and do the best I can. maybe a word or two will stick, kids do respond to me, they like me... So I said he was a good kid, I reminded him I wasn't making it up, that I've talked to him lots of times, I reminded him of the story he wanted to write, how he rides his bike in the summer. I reminded him I knew him then told him I liked him and he was a good kid. He said he was stupid. I was fierce and direct "you are not." I glance over to the woman with them she's at the counter a few feet away, she says nothing... there are two other girls with this kid... they are looking at me (chloe is used to her mother, olivia is eating) Young man says to kid, "Yeah, at least you're not like your brother."

Fucking hell. This young man practically lived in a daycare facility that took in a lot of skimped on kids... poor kids, system kids, his mother is a professional foster care emergency parent. note the emergency aspect. the same level of care is not required in emergency situations, I saw lots of those kids in the 6 months I worked- they told me stuff, nothing abusive but nothing warm, and nothing nice.

So yeah, he knows these kids and I was fucking pissed because I knew Peter too, and he fell in love with me, and he was a good kid, and he wanted to please, he needed attention, he had anger in him, he had issues, he didn't have anything solid and he was six years old. Well, that was only one reason I cried and only one reason I quit and to have it all brought back made me very sad but it was also immediate and who were those two girls? and they were listening too

and I said "I liked him. I liked your brother very much. I hope he knows how great he is."

They have no idea what to say and the girls are looking at me and I am trying to gather myself and these kids and their lives

and Young Man says to me "You must get cold wearing that skirt."

Oh vomit

I look up and over and he's staring at my cunt, and I wished to cross my legs but they already were and I wanted to cross them again but I didn't move. I said, "No." and venom

and he said you will in a few months. and looked me in the eye!

I did look nice, it was a fab fall day, I was loving the knee highs, and yes, I do dress for cute, I don't mind looks, smiles, hellos, all of that is wonderful and comes from both sexes and makes me feel good.

mocha mommy

he is strange because he doesn't know enough to mask his earthy yearning, he doesn't pick up social cues, and he is a little too interested in himself. Holding those children too long, telling them it's okay while he held them tighter and they cried, "down down"... I don't like him. But I kinda feel bad about it.

In case you are wondering I did mention his existence to the licensing representative. It's all a bunch a bullshit, that place passed health and menu inspections too.

long-winded LJ style kiss,


November 6th, 2006

It's all about sex, baby...

my girl


I have a sweet pair girl panties in transparent pink edged in Easter green. I was going to slip them on and make passionate love to myself. Mmm, I fuck myself in as many ways as one would fuck a lover-quick, fast, dirty, hard, soft, lingering, lingering, lingering. Hmmmph. Unfortunately, I got my period (I thought I had one more day *sad face*) Oh, I fuck myself on my period (sometimes I can't help it for arousal, other times as a pleasurable way to ease cramps) HOWEVER the sweet accessory (darling babygirl) was out. SULK.

I hate my period, I hate being bloated, crampy, hormonal, bloody, bloody, bloody. Since I am through having babies I would like it to stop. Grrrrr the annoying thing is the same hormones giving me moon-blood give me a flush of pink to my skin and mouth and I really like that. Grrrrr. I think the pink is advertising my fertility. Quite alot about me advertises babies, thick strong hair, round thighs, tummy, ass, blood circulating, hips- I have an aura that whispers, "fuck me I bear you babies."

This sex-peak-30-something-thing is smack on for me. I wonder if it is my biological siren call. Mate me... Mate me. You can prob tell I've always been pretty sexy. By 13 I had made thorough use of my dad's girlie mag collection, been caught by my gran and mother, written the most porn frigging passages in a notebook that got read (and other things besides!)- Seriously, my mom wanted to send me to boot camp hehe (thank you daddy! for being sane) because of my pervy nature. Mmm, but Jesus Christ, I can come like a boy now... I couldn't do that ten years ago. That's awesome. but yeah, girl orgasms are better. Sorry, guys, the urge you have, that all consuming, back arching pleasure surge... does not compare to the waves of woman body sparkles. Have I said that before?

OH! I remember sweet pink and white old ladies. Okay, nevermind I am through with my fertility crisis. I want to be a pink old lady wearing little girl skirts and cotton gloves. ggls OMG.

Now there's a comeback post kiss,


October 27th, 2006

then paste an article. Oh but...

October 16, 2006
NY Times Op-Ed Columnist
Why Aren’t We Shocked?

“Who needs a brain when you have these?”
— message on an Abercrombie & Fitch T-shirt for young women

In the recent shootings at an Amish schoolhouse in rural Pennsylvania and a large public high school in Colorado, the killers went out of their way to separate the girls from the boys, and then deliberately attacked only the girls.

Ten girls were shot and five killed at the Amish school. One girl was killed and a number of others were molested in the Colorado attack.

In the widespread coverage that followed these crimes, very little was made of the fact that only girls were targeted. Imagine if a gunman had gone into a school, separated the kids up on the basis of race or religion, and then shot only the black kids. Or only the white kids. Or only the Jews.

There would have been thunderous outrage. The country would have first recoiled in horror, and then mobilized in an effort to eradicate that kind of murderous bigotry. There would have been calls for action and reflection. And the attack would have been seen for what it really was: a hate crime.

None of that occurred because these were just girls, and we have become so accustomed to living in a society saturated with misogyny that violence against females is more or less to be expected. Stories about the rape, murder and mutilation of women and girls are staples of the news, as familiar to us as weather forecasts. The startling aspect of the Pennsylvania attack was that this terrible thing happened at a school in Amish country, not that it happened to girls.

The disrespectful, degrading, contemptuous treatment of women is so pervasive and so mainstream that it has just about lost its ability to shock. Guys at sporting events and other public venues have shown no qualms about raising an insistent chant to nearby women to show their breasts. An ad for a major long-distance telephone carrier shows three apparently naked women holding a billing statement from a competitor. The text asks, “When was the last time you got screwed?”

An ad for Clinique moisturizing lotion shows a woman’s face with the lotion spattered across it to simulate the climactic shot of a porn video.

We have a problem. Staggering amounts of violence are unleashed on women every day, and there is no escaping the fact that in the most sensational stories, large segments of the population are titillated by that violence. We’ve been watching the sexualized image of the murdered 6-year-old JonBenet Ramsey for 10 years. JonBenet is dead. Her mother is dead. And we’re still watching the video of this poor child prancing in lipstick and high heels.

What have we learned since then? That there’s big money to be made from thongs, spandex tops and sexy makeovers for little girls. In a misogynistic culture, it’s never too early to drill into the minds of girls that what really matters is their appearance and their ability to please men sexually.

A girl or woman is sexually assaulted every couple of minutes or so in the U.S. The number of seriously battered wives and girlfriends is far beyond the ability of any agency to count. We’re all implicated in this carnage because the relentless violence against women and girls is linked at its core to the wider society’s casual willingness to dehumanize women and girls, to see them first and foremost as sexual vessels — objects — and never, ever as the equals of men.

“Once you dehumanize somebody, everything is possible,” said Taina Bien-Aimé, executive director of the women’s advocacy group Equality Now.

That was never clearer than in some of the extreme forms of pornography that have spread like nuclear waste across mainstream America. Forget the embarrassed, inhibited raincoat crowd of the old days. Now Mr. Solid Citizen can come home, log on to this $7 billion mega-industry and get his kicks watching real women being beaten and sexually assaulted on Web sites with names like “Ravished Bride” and “Rough Sex — Where Whores Get Owned.”

Then, of course, there’s gangsta rap, and the video games where the players themselves get to maul and molest women, the rise of pimp culture (the Academy Award-winning song this year was “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp”), and on and on.

You’re deluded if you think this is all about fun and games. It’s all part of a devastating continuum of misogyny that at its farthest extreme touches down in places like the one-room Amish schoolhouse in normally quiet Nickel Mines, Pa.

but BOB HERBERT warmed me kiss,


PS< nicked from feminist.

September 23rd, 2006

gls OMG

my girl
I am such a honey, I can't help it. I (ggls the key... hee!) Oh fuck, it's hard to play LJ with kids running loose.

I stress the "honey". Don't debate me.

I'm not even going to let you comment kiss,


girl of mine...

my girl
gentle, sweet, beautiful dreams
you can't forget

you own the key kiss,


September 20th, 2006

Maybe I don't write here because I am writing every day in cramped amounts of time? There's only so much I am willing to give? I hoard myself... ggls Lucky you!

***Livia is in nursery school from about 9am until 11:15am. Oh, she cries when I leave and only has a so-so time there, it is her fifth day today :( But she has some fun, she paints and reads stories and they've great toys, and playgrounds, the teachers are nice. She loves school when I am there. When I arrive I see her interest in her environment, she participates. Oh, my Olivia... she is stubborn, would rather do those things with mommy. Oh, sweet baby, mommy needs a little time to write. I am a base animal type mommy... there is that sort of primitive closeness, I miss her. I am a much better mommy with this time. Less stress, more sleep, less time with baby, but still lots and of tender quality. I walk right out when she cries for her mommy. I do. Oh the first day she screamed in rage. Mmm my baby. But I walk away because I have to, poor little baby, she will be fine, but I cry too. at these bonds between us... she's little to begin growing up. Things were different for chloe, she got nursery school with me teaching in the same room. Livia, livia, livia my baby. I love her better (not more or less), everything is better knowing I have that bit of time.

*** I have an application to volunteer for Women in Crisis. I'm sick with so much of the world, I feel helpless surrounded by humanity's ick. I saw a poster. I called the number and the woman I spoke with asked if I would be interested in a speaking role. Seriously. Out of the blue, I didn't say anything about anything, I think she was attracted to the voice (baby). I think I said, "Ummm." I am classy that way. It just feels right. A path I should take. A few days later I read over the application. There are questions about feminism, classism, and racism. I think I throbbed (hehe Have I mentioned I love being in my sexual prime?)and just like real seXing, I'm not sure I have the time. Four hours a week minimum.... Gawd Damn.

There's livia waking,
I want to talk about a flickr thing

soon soon kiss,


August 28th, 2006


my girl
(3) Harlan Ellison groping Connie Willis on stage at the Hugos wasn't funny and it wasn't okay. I understand (from third parties; I haven't spoken to her about it) that Connie Willis's position is that Ellison has done worse and she can handle him, but I really didn't want to watch it and neither, I think, did a lot of other people in the audience. Up to then the comedic schtick aspects of the Hugo presentation had been genuinely funny. After that, I think, many of us just wanted it all to stop.

Just as with George W. Bush's now-famous uninvited shoulder-rub of German Chancellor Angela Merkel, the basic message of Ellison's tit-grab is this: "Remember, you may think you have standing, status, and normal, everyday adult dignity, but we can take it back at any time. If you are female, you'll never be safe. You can be the political leader of the most powerful country in Europe. You can be the most honored female writer in modern science fiction. We can still demean you, if we feel like it, and at random intervals, just to keep you in line, we will."

It's not okay. It's not funny. It wasn't a blow against bourgeois pieties or political correctness. It was just pathetic and nasty and sad and most of us didn't want to watch it. It's another thing that's going to stop.

from pnh
via rfrancis

ewwwwwww gives a delicate kiss to your cheek kiss,

I am returning, I have been reading your journals, I know about first dates, just friends, birthdays, new jobs, loneliness, photographs, children, endings, political things, soon I'll be commenting. My withdraw isn't about being afraid, as one person on flickr mentioned, it is about an introvert's need for alone after being out there. It is also about nursing wounds and nurturing spirit. It isn't something I do for attention, it is something I do for myself. I have gotten much better about letting people know about my absences, though I suspect I need to be more careful about assuring people my children are okay. So, yes there were occurences, a relapse to do with mental health (not on my part haha) that effect me deeply, as well as, a hermetic need to be by myself. Thank you for your patience, support and concern. Silvergirl, and Colin love to you both, Rachael your note gave me such a sense of peace and I will be writing you back, thankyou, K- I am sure you know the reason I haven't written you back is because I have zero desire to hurt you in any way and am not willing to take the chance I might, thank you for your other words they meant much. My family, my best friends (dan, and kimmy!!) were near me, they help me in so many ways and are cherished.

I have a new schedule, and I'll be using short breaks to catch up on you all. heartheartheart heart shaped balloons and tender thoughts for you all,

For him, the world is a strange place whose contours have to be explored according to one's destiny kiss,


August 14th, 2006

I am heart-broken, it is a pain too deep to discuss. My suffering hasn't anything to do with my last post, to even mention them together is vile, but I wanted to say. As always with this pain I need to retreat, if i return it won't be to here. I am sorry I have hurt you, it was my great pleasure to know you

a tender last kiss

but I always thought that I’d see you again,


August 12th, 2006

Faux men....

my girl
There is a slippery monster cloaked between the categories of rapist and the good man.

I am attracted to men who realise the worth of women and who support women in this ugly world we live in. As I become more educated I have come to recognize some men only pay lip-service to this ideal, possibly to gain accolades from women who buy into the charade, possibly to puff themselves up in their own minds in order to compensate for the ick inside them, the feeling that what they do isn't quite right, but feels so good they're going to do it anyway, and besides it can't be that bad because Hey, I LOVE WOMEN.

One of the bigger cues of misogyny is the repeated statement of loving women. I love women, I love women, I love women so it can't be that bad that I use them, hate them, admire only the ones who are hot, smart, and vocalizing my own interests.

I don't think you love women when you ask for photographs from your fans and 95% of the time you only comment to the pretty girls. I don't think you love women when you objectify them by dressing them as man-fodder in your video games and art. I don't think you love women when you expect to be able to buy them on whim, I don't think you love women when you watch them get every orifice they have plugged with cock. It isn't that you get aroused as porn is designed to do it, but it is that you choose to make your orgasm more important that the women injured. I don't think you love women when you believe the smiling girl who claims she loves ass to mouth sex, just loves it, so that you can continue to receive your pleasure without thought. I don't think you love women when you trivialize their experiences as retarded. I don't think you can love women when you watch tennis to see nipple and hear grunt rather than to watch an athlete. I don't think you can love women when you call feminists hairy hysterical loud bitches ( ihave more to say on this OH JOY stay tuned).

Nope. I don't think you do love women. what you love is a sort of woman, whatever appeals to you most, which is usually a beautiful woman who can be objectified into fuck material. That is not loving women, that is loving yourself.

I recently had the lovely experience of being told an action I took on flickr (when I received an unasked tribute from a man harassing me to see my friends only photographs. The first man printed out a picture of my face came on it and sent me a photo of the deed with his tiny cock beside the mess) was retarded. When the disgusting act happened to me I got mad. I spoke up. I received alot of support for going public, naming names, and educating, from both men and women. The second man I am speaking of, a man of some small influence who purports to love women, told me I was retarded for equating the experience on flickr with sexual harassment. RETARDED. That the criminal code supports me means nothing to him. I was RETARDED for making a fuss.

Well, fuck you. I know you don't give a crap but you are gone from my life in entirety, and that means getting rid of all your graphic novels. I am aware that there is a difference between the artist and the art. The art is good, lots of strong women in the work. But, I remember reading something you wrote, "Never mistake the art for the artist." Oh, yes, I learned that lesson. I don't want your books on my shelf because the fact they are good stories doesn't impress me now that my initial suspicions about what kind of man you are (remember when you offered to buy me a webcam after speaking to me for a week?) have been confirmed.

I don't need you. I have Joss Whedon. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYaczoJMRhs Notice how he never once says he loves women. He doesn't need to, it is obvious by his other words and actions. And, yeah, I don't give a crap he has spoken to you, he doesn't know you like I do.

Why do you write strong women characters kiss,


PS< yeah, I left off asshat's name, I am not wanting more drama, some of you will be able to figure it out, maybe, whatever, this post was for me.
PPS< not everything in my examples of how you can't love women while doing other things applies to the "retarded" incident, I just went on a roll.

August 8th, 2006

Weekend Recap...

my girl
do da doot doot do da doot doot (old-school newscast sounds)

Look a faux-sociopath supports a stalker- http://community.livejournal.com/anti_feminism/314768.html ggls x a few. EW EW EW

discussion @fem 101 was fab and I snagged a couple of flist friends.

The refriend experience didn't go so well, he was patronizing and blockhead: I was to be given a second chance against all the advice he's received, the problem for him wasn't the argument but that I lost my temper... yeah, well the problem for me is his hatred of women exhibited in the argument. Interesting how he turned on me the second he didn't like what I said: The reason he felt disrespected by me was because I had lost respect. I have no intention of suffering through arguments that are full of concept and language that is hateful to women- it is one thing to argue Metallicas musical prowess (ggl) quite another to read in argument toward men being able to opt out of child support that Women Trap Men By Having Babies and Demanding 18 Years of Cash-ola. EW EW EW but, yes, sigh...

I cleaned out the eavestroughs- a filthy ick mud job- while wearing a cute black skirt. I wasn't thoughtless, I didn't feel like changing; therefore, I was lazy. I found despite my little fear of ruining the skirt either by stain or from a ladder-carrying snag it was preferable to clean in pretty. I am going to save my worn/ruined pretty clothes to clean in. hehe yeah well, anything to make it bearable. I think I decided that before and forgot. ggls. shutUP.

Via flickr I have been asked by a talented street portrait artist to send my top 5 Fave Tunes I Listen to Currently and a line or two explaining each choice for publication on a web radio program site. Oh Bliss. Oh Bliss. Is it pathetic that I am taking daaaaaaaaays to come up with my list?

We shopped to send presents to two darling Minnesota boys!!!woot!!

My babies are darlings. Livia has grown out of the hideous whine/cry/scream/cry/screamscreamscream phase both my babies tormented me with and has evolved into a darling, charming, good girl sweetie like her sister (most of the time, they can both snark)- thank heaven. ggls When I go to get her from her crib, she tells me she's stuck as in lift me up I'm stuck! She gives us hugs and cuddles and kisses, and looks at people she doesn't know like they are fascinating creatures from another planet. She takes apart things, and is angry with her hammering block because the "nails" you hammer won't come out of the holes. She likes accessories on us, entranced by sparkle, hair flowers, barrettes, necklaces, and earrings. She drapes her self in my clothes, she races cars around the kitchen and slides down a water slide into the pool. She is fond of her babies, flowers, and bugs that crawl on trees, she would prefer brownies for every meal so we need to store the Two-Bite Brownie bag in the pot cupboard so as not to tempt her when she's choosing cereal. She has conversation, and loves to dance.

My sweet tender cublet chloe melts my heart every single day. I am in love with my children.

which is easy because they are both still sleeping kiss,


PS< OMG I SAW FIREFLY!!! I have seen the pilot and three episodes, I love the crew, I love the cowboy slide guitar, I love the complexity, I am so late to the party but I LOVELOVELOVE!!!!11111111 It is wonderful, lighter than deadwood which gives me beautiful gasping choking breathless moments (lovelove111111) but that Firefly is gentle doesn't take away. SPACE COWBOYS!!!oneoneone!!!1 ggls SEND ME THE NEXT EPISODES!!! asap mister.

August 5th, 2006


my girl
So, I decided to do a search on sweden underground prostitution. I didn't do the search before not because I was idiot enough not to think illegal activity goes underground when restricted but because feminists also know this and many say the educational factor within the swedish model has helped in that regard also. However, I came across this article which speaks of underground practised going on.


I am going to research it out, but I am so disappointed. Legalisation doesnt work, decriminalization doesn't work, illegal doesn't work. Men have pig appetites that will be satisfied as long as they have the power.

It makes me feel hopeless, like we should forget being the only peaceful revolution against oppression EVAH and opt for the big gun instead. fuck kiss,


PS< That article is 3 years old, mind, so I am really really really hoping there was a period of adjustment, and I have something to believe in other than despair. cross your fingers.

August 4th, 2006

Yep, I'm on my way to radical. Feminism IS NOT about achieving equality to men, not in entirety, and if that is what you believe and have the time to explain why I would appreciate.

I think it would be limiting to have status as men as our optimal goal. WHY because this world is totally fucked and there are ways to make it better.

Sure, some of them are scary. You may not get as hard (clit or cock) as you do now looking at tits if breasts are normalized, well too bad. I am not saying such from a position of non-understanding. HELL, I had porn ruined for me on pretty much every level. I have had some of my intimate fantasies disturbed in the middle of fucking because girls suffering in real life shattered my play. I still believe I have a right to my fantasy life but I will not forsake women because knowing their suffering upsets my kick-ass orgasm( I LOVE being in my sexual prime I add out of no-where)on occasion.

I've had my eye on prostitution (to legalize or not) and pornography (good fun for all involved including all those willing porn stars or not) for some time. I believe I am one short step away from taking on the anti-stance for both of them. I will add I do believe there is a difference between being proporn and/or proprostitution and being not quite anti-porn and/or anti-prostitution.

I'm afraid I don't have time nor the inclination to be completely educational, I would hope you would do it yourself. Especially if you use porn and/or buy women for sexual services. If you can feel nice about doing either of those then I think you owe it to women to read everything on this site (I have read almost everything ( ijust found it last night), and in some areas wish there was more example, but it is an incredible tool for understanding) http://www.oneangrygirl.net/pornmyths.html and also http://bitingbeaver.blogspot.com/2006_07_01_bitingbeaver_archive.html second entry down titled 90%, including the highlighted "new" link where you will be treated to feminists arguing their beliefs. I still haven't read ALL the links but I will.

LJ feminist is very much pro-porn, pro-prostitution believing in supporting the small number (8-10%) of women happy with prostitution, ensuring their privileged (the only in-the-industry voices who do support the industry have the luxury of choosing clients, tend to be educated, and/or are in one of the few top places) voices are heard. My opinion is there is absolutely nothing wrong with using your body as you like if you are of age and privileged; however, I believe both industries need to be dismantled before I can support their rights. WHY? because I believe in working toward saving the 90% of prostitutes who wish they weren't selling their bodies/being raped for cash is more important and I don't see how earning the 8-10% their rights first will do such.

As said, LJ feminist is very pro-sex-work, which I think is a handy grouping that makes you think of strippers, models and happy hookers, but is misleading, so I am going to trot my ass on over to feminist 101 and ask how it can be that it is okay to ignore 90% in favour of 8-10%. Isn't that what we tell men? Too bad you like it it hurts women! I think it is. Maybe a generation of happy prostitutes, porn stars will have to look for a different jobs in order to rebuild the sex industry into something consensual between adults. A sacrifice, sure, but one that is better for the greater BY FAR number of victims. I am going to LJ feminists of respect for the fact I wouldn't have had my eyes opened if not for them. I am going to feminist 101 out of respect for the LJ sex-positive stance at feminist.

I know I am going to lose friends, well isn't that the first thing a feminist learns? Yes, it is. I don't want to know people I can't respect and I have become incredibly intolerant toward anti-feminists, it runs just as deep as my disregard for racists. No one asks me to stay friends with racists because of difference of opinion. I am lucky, my husband, my boy, and girl friends do get it. I won't be completely alone, and for that I am grateful.

If you have any helpful thoughts I would be interested in hearing them. I will keep my post public on fem 101 so if you are interested you can read what response I will get there. It is a much smaller community than feminist so I hope I will get replies.

I hope you do read the links. they are important kiss,


PS< My post to fem 101 (link can be found on my info page) will be delayed a smidge as livy just woke up. I will post there when I get a chance.

PPS< I forgot to say what I do support, the Swedish model, Can we give a shout out to the SWEDES? yes yes we can, god love them for many things. You can google swedish model prostitution and here is a link https://www.afsc.org/pwork/0506/050616.htm

August 2nd, 2006

What the hell...

my girl
Though I am not one to usually go into detail about why something is offensive I will today. It isn't because I don't think you can pick it out yourself or in an effort to force you to know, but rather as a small homage to the feminists who do blog in detail, who take the time to write beautiful essays, who don't take anti-fem crap from anyone, who continue on even though incidents to write about never seem to die down while jackasses abound. If they can do it time and again I can do it once in awhile, though mine will not be beautiful as I find it a hard topic to write about.

Hell yes we are back to http://www.flickr.com/photos/merkley/199162306/in/photostream?#comment72157594218345786

Hang her ass on the christmas tree- oh even to type it pisses me off. Would he say that to her in person? It reduces her from a woman into a bit of candy that can be decorative on an evergreen. He didn't ask if she would find that a nice thing to be, he just took her beauty and used it to be more of a man. But why oh why should I be upset? Women are used to being seen as accessories, most of us take it in stride, some of us feel complimented- at least my ass is hot enough to be hung on a christmas tree. Well, I don't, I think it is worth speaking up for as it is part of the problem in our society, women are toys to be arranged as men see fit. UM NO.

"chinadoll" is also offensive, I didn't bring it up because language and meaning are slippery and I have seen too many wriggle through. She is not a fucking fetish. She may not be chinese. The chinadoll fetish is flush with images of tiny subservient women who cater to men, little dolls all dressed and perfumed. It is belittling.

When melovescookies complained she did it rather clearly but OH FUCK do they both miss the point (as evidenced to the smarmy man on man self loving in subsequent paragraphs. A comment is deleted, in it monitor pop degrades cookies, posts pictures of her and mocks her. SUPER. once again a woman's voice, a complaint about being objectified, is counterattacked by her looks.

Instead of addressing the issue the photographer tells them both to behave as if in sunday school. Right. So the girl with the valid complaint in lumped in with naughty children. Very fine.

Monitorpop comes back and by way of a faux apology says he should have said she was pretty. OH FUCK OFF! again the message is reduced to how goodlooking the fem speaker is, he should have said she was pretty because then she would ... what? forget he was a pig?

So, I say my piece to the photographer. By the time I wrote it I was upset by his lack of action. I explained what happened, and then informed him of how he could use his position to help make the world a bit nicer for the women in it. You know, the women he takes pictures of, his female contacts, every woman. It is easy, men ask Oh what can I do? You can use the fact your voice carries more weight by standing by women, backing them up and shutting down sexism. He could have shot his mouth off in the right direction, he could have provided guidance for the people reading his comments. he could have said You can't hang her ass on the christmas tree jerkface because it isn't your ass, shape up or get off my stream.

But he didn't. he took me to task instead. Saying the ass on the tree comment was fine after two women told him it isn't. OH how fucking fab for you Mr. Man to be able to decide what is offensive to women. He used to caps to state the obvious, she has stripes like a candy-cane- DUMBASS that is not the problem, the problem is he hung her ass on the christmas tree. He also admits his clueless by saying he thought the two were continuing a discussion from somewhere else. Well, if there is something you don't know, and another person has explained it to you, maybe you could give it some thought? Um no. no. Because HE doesn't see anything wrong then nothing is wrong.

Ggls His bit about not deleting her ass-fuck comment made me giggle, he didn't want to delete it because he got to post a photo from it. OH well as long as everything is peachy for you. Did he address why she gave him an ass-fuck comment? Nope.

Giggles, I LOVE feminists, I posted the exchange on fem-rage and got some wonderful comments back. One of them went like this, "Don't you love it when all they can come up with in reply is Shut Up! You Suck! Nice going genius."

So instead the ego-bloated photographer who takes pictures of women got to put a woman down instead of educating a man. How will rape culture be stopped? By those in power using it to help those with less. Groovy. He has had some positive responses to his rant at me, one man even said he was cooler than ever!! super.

Then monitorpop came back around and pleaded confusion- How can he be accused of objectifying her when she has clothes on? He has heard lots worse comments than the one he left!! He has a wife and has NOTHING AGAINST WOMEN -oh how darling of you. Then he says he didn't realise cookies was pissed because he was derogatory, he thought it was because his compliment was unimaginative. CRIPES!! lots of people mentioned candy-cane, did she post a strap on to them? NO.

OH his last comment has me boiling COOKIES may have taken his comment wrong. Right right of course she did, it couldn't be you are ignorant, could it? No, no, wouldn't want to disturb the mens.

then they group hug, delight in how pleasant they are, how weird I am, and life is tres bliss.

It is worth noting monitorpop almost apologised, then borne up by the photographers comment retracted it.

thanks for nothing asshole.

I suppose I could have mentioned all the things I thought were nice about photog before explaining what he did as opposed to what he could have done, but I have read his words, he is very abrasive and straight forward, I didn't think he'd be such an enormous infant as to need to be coddled before I pointed out how he could help.

Well, goes to show what has been said often in fem circles is rather true, "Asking nice got me shit."

I find there is a value in education, I have had men and women write me with how they have adjusted their views, that gives me hope. Hope that fuckwads cannot be allowed to take away.

The photographer displayed how he truly feels about women. He likes them fine as long as they know their place. step out of line, and bam. He has very little true respect for women, his models, his contacts.

some fem comments:

I thought your comment to him was really well-articulated, and his whiney, over-defensive response took my by surprise. But I guess that's what sexist douchebag asshats are like.

Seriously. Gotta love that one. "You're hysterical and illogical for trying to call me out on my shit! I'm defensive and guilty so I'm turning it on you!"

Wow. That guy shouldn't be photographing women if he doesn't get that. Just...damn.

Total. Fuckwit. I'm sure he passes for funny in some universe, but...Christ.

From his flippant and insulting replies to you, it is obvious that Merkley has absolutely no respect for his models, his female readers, or women in general.
What a fucking asshole.

I need some more vocal, take-no-shit feminists on my friends list. To that end I have added ginmar she is amazing, I admire her very much, and plan on quoting her (yes, have received permission) within my journal.

I am going to be much stronger on my own flickr, I all ready do some but I could strengthen my stance and will.

so much for the nice guy kiss,


PS< Some of you will remember I had an LJ blow-out with an old friend regarding women, and how he spoke of them while putting forth his thoughts on child support. He would like to be friends again, and though I think he has misunderstood the cause of my anger... and other things, I will be writing him back because I do have hope. I do, and he tries.

PPS< yes, it has been tres hot, here is a photo of my feminist self sweating ggls enjoy my slick!

Outake in wet pink

PPPS_ Oh yeah.. photog paraphrased my last comment to him instead of pasting it like he did my longer one. He wrote I said I didn't want to be friends anymore. I didn;'t write that, I find his alteration of my words to be further belittling, isn't that just like a fickle girl not wanting to be friends? what I did write was this, "You don't get it. I'll be happy to leave your stream. Thank you for your reply." what an ass.

July 31st, 2006

I am in a breath-taking rage. How does my feminism effect me personally? It makes me inarticulate. Incidents resonate inside me welling up in waves that ripple a panic up my throat. I exhale deeply. I understand this is small compared to the rape discussion http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2006/07/28/the-making-of-a-proper-victim/#comments
as these attitudes are common and make up juries. I understand there is 48 hours of possible peace. While I don't agree with war for profit, I understand the need for war in some circumstance. Soldiers agree to war, civillians do not.

I understand terrible things, but this, while small, is hard for me to take and let lie. I have to type it out, force myself because my instinct is to go silent. To be shut up. Flickr is a photosharing site. People post pictures, and other members make comments. A talented photographer posted a picture of a girl in striped dress. She looks great, the picture is a stunner. One guy leaves a comment "hang her ass on the xmas tree" It pissed me off. I tried to explain to a photographer about responsibility toward the models and comments they receive. I thought I could reach him because he does delete obvious high ick comments, but nope. He shut me up. I deleted my comments. He has since reposted them, you guys are free to read.

My rage is a rage against the nice guy, the guy who thinks he's doing all right because he does do some things toward treating women as human, but who smacks you down as soon as you stop recognizing how great he is. My rage is against the guy who cloaked his objectification enough so I am seen a bat-shit crazy hysterical for noticing it. My rage is against my own fatigue, my desire to withdraw, to keep my mouth shut, to put my feelings/thoughts into art/hobby rather than take it on over and over again endlessly.


Why is it that men can be bastards and women must wear pearls and smile? kiss,


July 20th, 2006

for I am yours forever

I've just finished reading ZELDA a biography by Nancy Milford. While I didn't allow my stinging tears to fall, my heart sobbed. I have read F. Scott's novels, and while incredibly beautiful, I found him to be a harsh judge of his heroine, and thus his wife. I will be rereading them, for while the harshness is there, their love is complex, and he stood by her until he died. It isn't easy to love a crazy girl when you are a sensitive, alcoholic, self-absorbed, moody man.

Scott- "You are a third rate writer and a third rate ballet dancer."
Zelda- "You have told me that before."

Zelda-"I tell you, my life has been so miserable that I would rather be in an asylum. Does that mean a thing to you?"
Scott-"It does not mean a blessed thing."
Zelda-"What do you want me to do?"
Scott-"I want you to stop writing fiction."

"I fell in love with her courage, her sincerity, and her flaming self-respect and its these things I believe in even if the whole world indulged in wild suspicions that she wasn't all she should be... I love her and that's the beginning and end of everything. You're still a catholic but Zelda's the only God I have left now."

I forgot something that will change the course of history kiss,


July 18th, 2006

rape warning...

my girl
I just got in from swimming (somehow I have managed a mild sunburn with heat blisters on my shoulders wearing SPF 50!!!) and my body feels refreshed. Unfortunately, my mind is still irritated.

Why is it in a discussion of lack of conviction/lenient sentencing for rapists someone has to bring up the fact we must be careful of penalty because women lie? It is irritating. I find it hard to fight the notion to the verbal offender as it is exhausting. The percentage of rape cases found to be in error is approx 2% the same approx percentage as with every other crime. Yet, when discussing other crimes, say attempted murder, I never come across people claiming the victim lies. That there have been a few cases of lying to do with rape has been blown way out of proportion. In fact in most cases the victim did not lie about being raped. There usually was a rape, perhaps with an innocent person convicted on faulty evidence.

It is very harmful to circulate the notion women lie about rape. Women do not lie about rape any more (actually MUCH LESS) than men lie about fault after beating the crap out of each other on a saturday night, but I never read writings declaring we must be careful for men lie about physical assault. To bring up a small, minuscule number repeatedly allows the degradation of rape victim in our media and court system.

Just fucking stop. Perhaps you can say the legal system makes mistakes (just as you do with murder and death penalty conversations). It much more responsible, compassionate view.

It takes great courage to report rape. It breaks my heart to read people dissecting a woman's life, reporting intimate details widely. Jesus christ. It is very hard to get a conviction in a rape crime. The victim practically has to have video evidence and semen running out of her beaten-to-a-pulp vagina, and even then, there are many who impy it was simple regret of rough bad sex.

I want to add I include male victims of rape in this.

Please stop saying rape victims lie. You only advertise your disgusting bias and lack of knowledge kiss,


July 17th, 2006

I made a new friend...

my girl
*L* well, I've known her for over a year *blush* but it takes me a LOOOOOOOONG time to get close to people (don't worry, not too close, I have learned that lesson through and through). I was a little blue, one of my friends, Jane, is moving. We were a nice kind of close, both interested in photography, arts, we didn't cramp eachother with phone calls or invitations, but we'd go for coffee and happily spend an hour or so chattering. I will miss her.

Anyway, I was speaking to my new friend (as our daughters were at their swimming lesson), and she mentioned she was having a hard time at work because she isn't much of a joiner, is introvert, has no interest in gossip etc so the girls think she is weird. OH I can relate!!! I said I was rather similar needing lots of alone time etc and she said she's been wanting to be my friend for ages. *BEAM* made me so happy.

It does get a bit lonely. I enjoy my surface relationships, I had fun socializing at the fireworks festival, I have LOADS of aquaintances, but it is nice to have a friend you can call up to do something or whatever. So I am very pleased. It will be fab.

I felt it shelter to speak with you kiss,

because while

The simple act of caring is heroic.
Edward Albert

I maintain my sanity by keeping my distance.
Luis Miguel

It is easiest kiss,


PS< Surface in all but my closest relationships, not to myself or my arts.

June 30th, 2006

Oh summer, how I adore thee when you are warm and breezy but not sweltering. Lovely evenings under stars, light clothing against my skin. Darlings, Darlings, I have the most wonderful idea for summer slumber wear. You may all steal it for the world can only be tender when beauties dress yummy (hee). I adore filmy things, soft things, things of old. I enjoy modern cotton sleep sets and little baby-dolls very much, but I needed to branch out, to coordinate my pretty fetish into something new.

Mmm and I found my way with vintage pantaloons (ggls) and camis. Oh, I even found a place that hand-makes bloomer style panties. They are a smidge longer, the leg opening circles the top of my thigh, there is rosette detailing. I have satin, silk, chiffon, and trimmings, all so sensual, reminiscent of the old world. I lounge around in pretty underwear and belong to another time.

mixed with charisma kiss,


PS< Totally hot tip. I have a VS three way bra. I wore strapless one evening, freshened it and put it away. The next time I went to put it on I attached the straps backwards. BEST accident ever! I could adjust the straps without contorting, mmm got a yum lift, and the bra looks just as pretty as ever. why the hell are the adjusters on the back??? Having them in front doesn't ruin the look or seemless at all. they are tiny. BRA PEOPLE TAKE NOTE (lol) fix your product or I will patent it and run you out of business!!!

June 23rd, 2006

I HATE their new commercial. Granted, they all suck. I have been annoyed for a long time, now I am beyond. The new chapter in their weight management campaign (which embarrasses me whenever I buy their product) challenges people to replace TWO meals with a bowl of cereal for FOUR weeks. FUCKERS Thank heaven other brands are fruiting their cereal. How much will I endure for Red Berries? Bloody hell. Advertise the taste not starvation. god damn.

apparently, I have a lot to say today kiss,



my girl
Chloe is now able to spend time at the park without a parent. I have a view of the park, and she enjoys her freedom. It is great for her, she meets up with all kinds of kids, has confidence playing with different age groups etc Sometimes she's there by herself. I remember how it is. There can be a waiting period before kids show up. I think it is good for her to be a little bored. I was watching her swing on her tummy, dragging her foot, waiting, when a man walked up and began to cross the park. I was nervous. I talked myself down, but remained watchful, as well as, planing. He was on a horizontal path that would bring him within a couple of feet of Chloe. Chloe remained unaware of his approach. He did the kindest thing. He curved away from her. He gave extra room and walked around picnic tables. I wanted to see if it was a natural turn for him to take, but when he had traveled a distance he returned to his original direction. My heart swelled three sizes, I swear. Bless.


Olivia and I walk to pick up Chloe after school. Traffic can be heavy (ggls SHUT up!!!), sometimes we have to wait a minute or two. GAWD. Yesterday, a young guy in a sexy black convertible (I dunno, one of the hot new cars) stops. I was looking the other way so I didn't even notice, then when I did he was smiling away. OH dear. My first reaction was "hah! all right, then, smile-boy." He looked sunshine day delighted. By this time the cars had really piled up behind him, I was going to be a parade. I smiled a thankyou (gawd) a professional cover-girl thank you (haha) then took a quick look opposite (because freaking aaaaaages have passed) but no on-coming. So, yep. I catwalked across the street, my hair pinned up, sucking in my tummy, BLUSHING- cripes! However, as discomforting (and whee) as the event was I have to smirk at myself because I curse ALL drivers if it is raining while I'm waiting to cross. Don't I look hot when frazzled into a hoodie? Hmm? HMM?


The cottage kids take their swimming lessons after-school mid to late June. Chloe and Livy love this as the park is flooded with kids. I get to half-chat with other parents, it is social time, baby. The climber is usually packed with kids playing a game called Grounders. They monkey all over the climber while IT (who has eyes closed) tries to feel around for them. Occasionally, IT calls Grounders to try and catch anyone on the ground. So yeah packed and covered with kids. Livy isn't bothered, she is sturdy baby, fully confident, always surprised to get hurt. I used to go up with her as she's not yet 1.5, but she started growling at me (serious!) so now I follow her around (she has figured out I follow her around and toys with me. She wanders around in circles then laughs as I finally catch on I'm being played) to make sure she doesn't decide to try to slide down the poles. Up there by herself because the other kids are great. They watch out for her, all these honey boys, and a few girls mind the baby. ggls "You guys are being real nice watching out for my baby. I appreciate it, thank you so much." Didn't they beam and become SUPER-DUPER careful? oh, yes. A couple of 10-12 year old boys cleared pathways, called out to IT "The baby's on the slide!" If they were IT they'd ask if the baby was close. Such sweetheart boys, I fell for them all.


I LOVE my new swimsuit. I was all teh bummed without a bikini body. However, my girls MUST swim. Family swim is real nice. Lots of women of all shapes (adore them ALL lovelove), still who doesn't want to be hottie (because my god everyone else is!!!)? So, yeah, bummed. But I found the most gorgeous two piece halter and mini-skirt in chocolate. I thought I would look matron, but I don't! I look vintage, I'm going to work it (LOL) and wear a flower in my hair, other times a scarf. Oh yeah.

Okay, so a foursome... who am I to turn away kiss,


June 19th, 2006

It has a turtle photo...

my girl
All right. what's the frigging deal with MYSPACE??? every week another one of you mentions you are there, I click the link and it looks like a bunch of way happy people leaving greetings on a page. Obviously I am not a member, but the whole thing looks shrill, like it is trying to be cool... which has never been my thing. So what am I missing? why are you all there?



WHOOHOO I got my copy of FLYTRAP, I have read Haddayr's first half of her first piece (compelling piece, mucho resonance), and Nick Mamatas' essay (OMG I got so gossip- he and his girl broke up???) I have it worked to read the rest while the children bathe, so if they drown for god's sake don't squeal!!

I have this absolute love for indie zines kiss,


PS< what sucks is the myspace users are on myspace NOT HERE god damn you!

PPS< Nick wrote about her depression, including intimacies in an essay... gasp. god. I hope they are friends and he asked her permission... not for legal reasons, but just because OMG!!! intimate.

June 9th, 2006

Not my blonde...

my girl
There is a girl on feminist, she has a peace corp icon, she has blonde hair... but she isn't the girl I miss. I resent her for not being MY feminist, blonde girl, peace corp worker. Every single time I see the icon I narrow my eyes and project my dissatisfaction onto some innocent woman.



PS< smile

smiling because I love you.

May 31st, 2006


my girl
Chloe's fave teacher, along with The Catholic Women's League is sponsoring a charity drive for Canadian Food For Children, a registered charity. CFFC distributed a list of needed items, and it broke my heart. Here is a list of what touched me:

heavy plastic and paper bags: washed and dried 1 and 4 litre milk bags, grocery bags.
salt: There is no salt in parts of Africa, and added iodine prevents diseases of the thyroid gland.
sugar: often a starving child will not eat, but a little sugar with corn meal will start the child eating.
cooking oil 4L only: We cannot send margarine or butter over-seas, and we cannot afford canned meat or fish. The cooking oil provides flavour for the food and allows apsorption of vitamins which prevent blindness, bleeding disorders, and crippling diseases.
bars of soap: The poor have no soap. When a poor person cannot keep clean, they lose all their dignity. Often a man has to work two days to earn enough to buy a bar of soap.
macaroni, spaghetti: product's that are very useful for soups, great carbos to keep children alert in school.
canned tomato paste: often 1 or 2 cans are mixed with a little salt and 100 pounds of beans. This adds flavour to the food.
canned fish and meat: products that are very precious.
sewing supplies: The sisters take women who live on the streets and teach them to sew. This gives them dignity and self esteem.
sheets and blankets: The children in prison often have nothing to keep them warm at night.
pencils, crayons, school paper: pencils, even stubs, paper, even if used one side, chalk, and all the other things needed in a classrom or home.
playing cards and toys: all is accepted.
clothing: when donating clothing, please respect the poor. Neat, clean, freshly laundered, without stains, patches, holes, or ragged edges are preferred. As if you were to give it to your best friend. Yes, quality takes precidence over quantity.

Wow. It is hard for me to imagine there being a worldly need for plastic bags considering how many I aquire. It hurts me to think there is a collection of stubs of pencils (god, how many do we have around here not even sharpened, I'd guess at least 30) and paper used one side. I am a giving person by nature, but I find reading this list has completely sickened me toward the number of possessions in my house. I give away good quality things I have no use for, but now I am giving more, giving excess. I have an alternate long winter coat, I can't own that any longer. It is heavy wool, very warm, someone could make good use of it. I'm going through everything, and am grateful for the opportunity to do so.

I have spoken with missionaries, they was a family at my hair salon coming in for haircuts before going to a mission in africa. I thought they were good hearted crazy people. I suspect they couldn't live knowing how others do. I am impressed that people work so hard collecting, sorting, shipping. I am going to make my packages very nice, labelled with what goods are inside the boxes, as if I were packing christmas presents. I think it is good for me to give more, and will be good for my family to reduce what we own.

There isn't much money left in my food budget (shut-UP, I believe in controlling money) but I'm going to the store to buy a round of food. I mean jesus, 2 cans of tomato paste to flavour a 100 pounds of beans! tuna priceless, cooking oil so beneficial.
There is a chance I am being manipulated by text examples, I prefer to think of it as illuminated. Bloody sakes, the suffering is true.

I have a frigging row of curriculum books from when I was a teacher, sure I love the books and use them with my children, but there is no way in hell I am keeping them all. Half are being sent to the missions, and I will be honoured to give them away.

I like lists, I like giving, I am humbled kiss,


PS< The point of the post was to display the list and explain the effect on me, not to puff my giving nature, nor to inspire yourself to give.

PPS< the other thing mentioned on the handout is the organization will not work with governments, as governments suck at distribution, keeping spoils for themselves. They send direct to their missions. I know the information isn't new (corrupt gov't wtf!!! LOL) but so what? I noticed it, it had an impact on me.

PPPS< that's not to say I am giving away everything, I still want my Nicole Miller jacket, I am not missionary, yet :)

May 25th, 2006

I guess Amanda's family ended up being okay with me being a feminist, because she was allowed to attend Chloe's birthday party. It was the first party she'd ever been allowed to attend. !!!I am so thrilled, she's so proud. chloe's party was a smashing success complete with a girls bathroom moment! Chloe invited her entire class to the bowling alley. The place here in town does it up real nice for them at a great rate. In her class the boys outnumber the girls 2.5 to 1 and they were being rowdy *ggls* and she fled to the bathroom in tears *ggls awww* and all the girls followed her in and they had DRAMA!!! I wasn't there as livy was in the middle of a 6 day fever reaction to her vaccination, but we hired one of chloe's older girl crushes to help out and she went in and soothed and cuddled my baby. BONUS cash *ggls*

The baby-sitter deserves a mention. I asked her her rate, she said, "I don't know, I usually let the parents decide." Which was my standard as I was quite shy about rates when I was a kid so I grooved a little on her sweetness. The she rocked my world with her add-on, "I'm glad for the job because I'm saving every cent for my class trip to Quebec" then smiled. HEEEEE! I decided to over-pay.

Oooooooooooh! Chloe got lots of way cool loot: bubble machine (adores it), beaded jewelry maker kit, a huge freaking water gun, a soccer ball, a table-top air hockey (woot!!). One of the boys in her class shouted out, "Why's she getting boy's toys?" (chloe had asked for the soccer ball and water gun, but way hey on the mom who bought her the hockey set) John gave good fem with, "They're only boys toys when boys play with them. When girls do, girls toys." heee.


I got my marks back for school. *S* I got 91% I lost ablot of marks on the synopsis, I only got 70% on it. *blushes* But, I understand, my romance novel just didn't have enough romance in it. Even knowing my romance needed to be saturated with romance I guess I still put in too much other stuff. career stuff. There has to be very little in a simple romance to detract from the momentum of rushes. I understand, I'm more for hinting at things. For example, in one of my chapters my girl is having a bit of a panic over a brooch. It is special to her, she doesn't know whether she should wear it, she's been saving it for a special night. My idea was it would show she's excited, not a hundred percent sure but excited about her date. Holy fucking hell TOO MUCH ON THE BROOCH. well, alright. *ggls* The teacher gave feedback for assignments, but didn't enter a grade, all that writing, plus class participation went into some mystery mark. My neg feedback is on grammar. (Fuck. sigh which I failed because I had to choose and I went with writing. I can't afford to take grammar again right now) My best mark was on my presentation. I got 100% and he thanked me for my thoughts ( I did give good thought, baby). There wasn't notation re grammar even though I can see it sucks *L* that's how I got As all through my education. fuck. I need to learn proper grammar.


I'm going to be published this year. No, no, no-one has bought anything, but they will. It's going to happen this year, I can feel it. small-scale, I wish i was a better writer, because my ideas are better than my skill. However, whatever, I'm finishing up and sending off. I have an interview with a kickass-talented artist. I have a poetry piece, a rant, a short romance, and an essay. I know the magazines I'm sending off to, I am writing very small so I can catch as much grammar as possible.


I love doing self-portraits. I busted my camera, I have a loaner, I got sexually assaulted (not physically, mentally) I dealt with it. I have ideas, I have very little time so my execution is raw, I'll have time to plan shots soon, though, I really really like it.


Oh yeah, Career Days went FAB. The kids were totally rocked, and the teaching staff also. I was the best. hehe. seriously, I told them about ideas, how you have to carry them out for the next one to come. I widened their knowledge of where writers write ie video games (oh, saucer eyes) they were great. They come up to me all the time to tell me they've been writing. Teachers took me aside to thank me, one guy said I gave amazing information, he hoped they took something away. hee. a part of being a writer is speaking, I want some bookings, baby. LOL.

So um yeah... that's me kiss,


May 4th, 2006

When children play team sports their parents can often be found clustered in chatting/cheering groups about the sidelines. There was just a few of us, livy and me, John, a couple guys, we were enjoying a bit of banter, nothing special, when Asshat gestures with his chin across the field to this beautiful mother, and says, "Looks like she's done that a few times." You know he had a leer in his tone. No one says anything so I try to figure out what he's talking about. She is stunning in figure, face, hair, and she is sitting on a cooler. As soccer parents take turns providing refreshments, I figured it was her week. I am sure everyone put it together, but wha? I didn't get the comment. wtf was she doing? She has a cooler... does he mean she likes to party? (shutUP) go camping? wtf? and why a leer?

OH. her legs were parted a bit as she was resting each leg against opposite sides of one corner. the fucker. what a fucking pig. It took me too long to work out he was calling her a slut. I asked John what he thought asshat was trying to say, he didn't know how it could be anything but.

I should have asked him what he meant. I asked two LJ people in the past couple of days what they meant -lead to one late night convo with rachael -fascinating, and a wee glimpse into devilpanda's dating style. But I trusted them to be the thoughtful people they are, this guy reeked of ick.

He was giving her that you're a fucking slut but I'd do you look, but I know what it meant. He meant, you are so gorgeous, and I want you, but I know you're a slutty bitch because I know you'll never see my fine qualities.

She is stunningly beautiful, I have to check my envy when I see her, and it has been rewarding as she's a nice, fun, interesting person to chat with.

yeah, asshat found out how nice she is. He must have worked up the courage because shortly after I'd see them talking together and puke. She's a nice girl, I'm sure she's giving benefit, being polite, doing the social thing, but I knew him, and it made me sick to see her near him.

He must have spoke back, though, because lots of times I'd see him just offside of her group, I'm sure he was scurrying his little mind for something else to say, for some way to bring her radiant smile upon him again. I'm sure he must have fucked up... he never seemed to make inner circle.

And ended up swallowing bile kiss,


May 2nd, 2006

With First Communion season at a close I thought I'd reflect on my church experiences. I had to go to church twice in two weeks. Once for Chloe's communion, and once for Amanda. Who is Amanda? She is a little girl in Chloe's class who has a bit of a crush on me. The hand-made invitation I received had a drawing of me and Olivia outside of the church with Amanda in white frock beside us wearing a big, cherry red smile. There were hearts, how could I deny her? I couldn't.

amanda by chloe

Church wasn't so bad. I like dressing up, and being all good girl modest (hehe), and Father Murray is about as cool a priest as you could ask for. He WELCOMED the non-practicing catholics. I've not ever heard of that before, usually all the folk who only show up at christmas, easter and sacraments are blasted from the pulpit. He smiled at me when I said thank you after receiving the body of christ, rather than amen (!!!!). I got a kick out of chloe's principal glorying in being spotlighted. I swear, he said a speech at the beginning of mass, read a reading during mass, helped dish up the host during communion, and walked down the aisle right in front of the priest. Holy Mother of God, status people make me giggle.

I mentioned the principal's zest for showboating to John. John said that there was a week the principal didn't go to mass but was on the lawn for the shake-hands bit afterward. Seriously, he always acts like he hosted the event. hehe Father Murray made a point of saying he didn't see principal IN church. hehe OH, I love that sort of thing, keeps me giggling.

Father Murray thanked the grade 2 teacher and Sister for all their help in preparing the children BUT didn't thank the principal. hehehe seriously, I ADORE. I don't even mind the principal, I just luuuuuuve the drama.

Father Murray also changed some words in the mass. Instead of saying Jesus broke bread with his disciples, Father Murray said Jesus broke bread with his friends- awwww, that's so nice. makes me happy.


While chloe was taking pictures of her friends, I sat near Amanda's trad catholic (read eight children, with the mother one of ten children) family, and waited for a moment with her. She flew over to me an we hugged, I thanked her for inviting me, wished her a happy communion etc. Naturally, her family was curious as to who I was, I explained receiving the card. I was mainly speaking to amanda's grandmother who is rather striking in her beauty and manner. To my horror my eyes started to spark with tears as I described the details of the card. I said it is an honour to be asked by a child, and I couldn't disappoint. Grandmother began to tear also, we spoke of children, how they ought to be treated etc We were bonding, admiring eachother

and then

she said she blames feminists and their selfish desires to work on the fact so many children are unwanted.


she was oldish, refined, lovely to listen to and speak with

do you think I could just nod and smile? DO YOU?

fuck no. BUT I was gentle. I said I didn't think it could be feminists as children have been abandoned for as long as history, and feminism is a relatively new movement. I mentioned my mother worked, my grandmother worked...

Oh, dear, we were so polite, but I could see the light fading from her eyes, just as I knew it had from mine a moment earlier. I imagine our thoughts were similar- Charmed as I was for the moment, you aren't all that.


Chloe had to write a wedding experience for homework, the teacher told me she could write about a wedding she'd attended or mine. I chuckled and said she attended mine (Gah! I keep admitting catholic crimes to the catholics) as she was four months old at the time. Chloe's teacher was fab. She said, "I think they should change things in the religion workbook to reflect the times." then she smiled at me, too.


I'M A SPEAKER DURING CAREER DAYS!!! I think it's pretty flipping funny. I told the principal I haven't really been published, that while I have won a prize and honourable mentions I'm not a professional writer. He doesn't care, he asked me to speak last year also. Thing is I do know some stuff. So, yeah, this coming Friday I'll be spending my afternoon going from class to class speaking on being a writer/ Gawd. The speakers consist of Sister for vocations, a child and youth worker, a plumber, a police officer, a fireman, and me, the writer. I BLUSH I do, but I'll be great. I kickass public speaking.

But I'm grabbing at his hemline, and about to side-swipe kiss,


PS< I saw angelina jolie on tv and I like her as much as ever. When i first started LJ I mentioned brad and jenn didn't suit, and that I think he needed a girl like angelina. HAH. anyway, she was totally cutie pregnant, giggling, glowing, I remember I was similar, just so frigging happy. Thing is her EXTRA happiness was as horrifying to her as it was to me. I know exactly what she means. you are happy, and laughing, but it is beyond natural. I didn't feel as blissed as I looked and sounded. I fell for her giggling self as she said, Sometimes I am hysterical for hours, laughing and laughing- it sucks!"

April 27th, 2006

hello, I love you...

my girl
You were the loneliest dream

I don't have much to say, I've been making picture stories and writing, and submitting mainstream for cash. I don't think I am selling out. Maybe I change an outfit from gothic lolita to geisha to appeal to a mass market that isn't about to change for me (depending on where I am submitting), but the emotions I leave in the story, and the happenings are still true. I can't lie. Hah.

I miss you, I have gotten rid of a few of my heavy image posting groups and feeds so I can better keep an eye on you.

see you around your LJ kiss,


April 25th, 2006

While I am empty of ick...

my girl
I FINISHED class!!! Oh, heck, that was a rough go, I had thousands and thousands of words to write, while plotting an entire novel and cleaning my whole house for chloe's communion party. My loved ones KICK ASS. I finished the last assignment with 40 minutes to spare. It took hours to come down, I've been under so much stress- Stress I knew about, stress I didn't. I have been clenching my entire body muscles so long and so hard my bones felt like they were stabbing me as I relaxed. I've been wearing a stress corset for weeks.

I am FREE, I want to write, take photos, and watch cartoons kiss,


PS< sorry I haven't been around much, but YAY aren't you glad I am back? mew

I wouldn't read this...

my girl
I have so much to say I don't even know how to start:

I think the world is killing me.

Someone told me I had the eyes of a Jesus, full of suffering and love. However, it was toward one of the photos where i was channeling suffering and love, so perhaps that speaks more to my emotive talent than my personality (xoxox hah).

I feel assaulted when I go to my flickr because of a stupid decision I made. I figured out how to fix my stupid decision but still.

SILENT HILL - wtf is up with the sexualized woman being beaten to death with crow-bars? Is that necessary even in a horror film? I've read a few of you went to see the film? weren't you bothered by that? The extreme violence against women? The idiot roles they were given? I didn't read any of you write you were offended or had to leave the theatre in tears, and I wonder why. I haven't seen the film and I feel sick. Is it because it happens so often in film etc we are accepting it as expected?

DUKE- There's something fucked up there. The coach RESIGNED, you think he did that because HIS BOYS were innocent? Coaches know players very intimately, he RESIGNED because they were GOOD BOYS? Fuck no. He resigned, and it wasn't asked for by Duke, because he was sure they did it. DNA isn't all it's cracked up to be. How does a stripper go to a house with 40 boys and not get any dna on her? No one touched her at all? DNA transfers through SWEAT. Vaginae don't tear with consensual rough sex. AND PLEASE don't tell me about the poor boys and their poor reputation, just fuck off. I promise it won't touch them. I don't know what happened there, but there is a sexual predator history at Duke, something bad went down.

I'm having huge problems with the way the world treats women, and men who for whatever reason are in a feminine role, like rape victim. I feel like crying whenever it is on my mind. http://www.guardian.co.uk/gender/story/0,,1759400,00.html

Which is up to me. I don't have to know about any of this in any direct way, I can put it out of my mind and concentrate on the happy world I've created. Or is it? Why should I have to shut myself off culturally? Why am I surrounded by male decided images of female beauty? Why is there so much hatred toward women that even video games are disgusting? Why do the women always have to dress like porn? Why is there an option on beach volley-ball for jiggle effect or no jiggle effect? how come you can beat a prostitute to death to steal her money in GTA? I mean why is it desired? Why is that fun? I have a hard time finding games chloe wants to play, she doesn't just want to kill stuff all the time. If she doesn't want to kill stuff how come she has to go shopping for clothes?

Oh there's so much more... some people say get more girls in tech design programs. The idea being people create themselves in ideal situations when they create art. And they do, I've seen it time and again, the problem is women often feel better than other women when they obtain entry into these trad male areas, and thus don't make waves once there. SOME DO, don't get me wrong, I'm just saying... THEN my MAIN concern is this- what is it about men, as a collective, that hates women so much that this is what they create, and buy? It hurts me.

Oh... and I made this photo story to do with rape... sighs... and it is daddy/daughter, I freaked out for various reasons, people have been leaving me supportive messages, but this

"Lolita is indeed a beautiful and erotic story, as well as it is disturbing from a "social standards" point of view. Nevertheless, it's still the story of how a man who is utterly unhappy with is his routine, boring life and therefore lets himself be infatuated and devoid of all reason by an underage but womanly girl whose only offering is youth, innocence and the sense of being young again. That old buterflies in your belly thing which we all somehow lost along the way and keep yearning for. that is what brings him to Lolita. On the girl's side, the search for security, an absent fatherly figure, the search for experience and the lack of love all bring her to this man. The girl is certainly old enough to take a lover (don't say this in public), although since the lover turns out to be that much older it is unacceptable to most of us. Just remember, Kubrick' Lolita's been around for a long time, and no one yet has managed to censor it."

wasn't helpful.

It triggered so much I'm overwhelmed. Do I have a responsibility because I made the story to try and educate? No one cares anyway unless they do care, and this hatred runs so deep it is in people you love, and not everyone sees it.

I don't know what to do, I can't seem to stop caring. It's really hurting me, though. I guess I'll slink on over to feminist and ask them how they cope. They know this shit, too.

I wish I didn't know it kiss,


PS< I'm just trying to get it out of me, sometimes LJ is really good for that. Sorry, I know how these posts suck. The only thing is I am only empty of it for awhile then I am all full of ick again.

April 18th, 2006


my girl
I made rape a love story.

well, I guess I'm ready for Lolita kiss,

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